This is the time of year I’m most prone to
melancholy thinking about the people who can’t be with us. It often makes me wonder what they’re thinking. Are they screaming in frustration with the way I live my life, or do they stand there, silently crying with pride. I prefer to think it’s the latter, but I won’t know for sure. I can only hope, and try to feel the vibrations they’re sending out from wherever they are.
The radio station has been playing Christmas music since some time in November, but for the last two days, I’ve put that station on and let it play. Normally I put on the iPod and let life go on as usual, but not yesterday and not today. It’s kinda nice, swimming in the Christmas spirit. And not drowning in it.
This morning they played some of Alex’s favorite Christmas songs (really, they all are his favorites) so I’d call up to him to put on the radio. At one point they played Jose Feliciano’s “Feliz Navidad”, and it made me smile, thinking of my ex mother in law. That was one of her favorites. We didn’t always get along. Sometimes we were downright nasty to each other, but she loved the boys like they were her own kids. We got along better after I divorced her son (well, after that fight in Newark Airport), and at times I find myself missing her. It’s the first Christmas without her, and wherever she is, I hope she knows I’m thinking of her, and not in a bad way.
I’m also thinking of my grandparents, and their relationship, and how much I miss them. Just thinking of the moments we had together make me feel warm from the inside out. Grandpa singing “Moonlight Bay” and the time Nana held my hand when I fed her lunch, and knowing that despite her Alzheimers, she was still there on the inside.
And Aunt Jeanne. I’m knitting a hat in the round, but I think this was her yarn. It’s going to someone I care about very much, who’s a terrific person (who I can’t name, or the surprise will be blown, though I doubt he reads my blog), so hopefully the connection comes full circle like my knitting needles.
Oma and Opa. We didn’t have a lot of time together, but the time we did have together was precious. Every time I’m driving and someone ahead of me is going slow, and I say out loud, “If you go any slower, you’ll be in reverse,” I think of Opa and the time he said that to me. Don’t worry, I do remember it fondly. 🙂 And if I’d known Oma could knit, we’d have spent hours together, stitching to our heart’s content. I bet she could’ve taught me a lot.
This time of year, it’s a good time to reach out to the people who matter to you and bring them close. Like Grandpa always used to say at the end of his annual reunions (which we haven’t had since he passed, and I bet that makes him sad), “You never know when it’ll be the last time.” We laughed about that for 13 years, ’til the last time happened.
Just remember that Christmas isn’t all about what you give someone, but the memories you make with them. Things break, get lost, or get thrown away, but the memories will stay with you and them, always.
Healthy and Happy Christmas to all!