Even Romance Writers Get the Blues

I’m a positive person by nature. Somehow I managed not to make the cheerleading squad, but I’m not good at yelling, and they seemed to do a lot of that. Also, I wasn’t perky. I failed perky big time, but ask any of my friends and they’ll tell you how supportive I am. I’m supportive like an expensive sports bra. 🙂

No one said life would be easy. I know that. I thank God every night for my blessings because I do know I’m blessed with abundance beyond measure, but every night and every chance I get, I make the effort to recognize how blessed I am.

I can breathe. Let’s start with that. I have asthma so I know what it’s like to NOT breathe. Since I’ve lost weight and taken up running, I’ve even cut back on my asthma meds. (It doesn’t hurt that my insurance company is staffed by asshats.)

I have yarn all over the house. Okay, so even I’m starting to look around thinking, “Maybe this is a little too much.” But it makes me happy and I use it to make things that make other people happy.

There’s food in the refrigerator. There’s no question in my mind, if we were snowed in for a week and the power stayed on, we’d stay fed.

I have a job. It’s not a career but it keeps said food on the table, the roof over our heads, and my car in motion. It’s also allowed me the time to be home with the boys for longer than people who work ’til 5 or later, and believe me, that’s made a HUGE difference to me.

The boys are great people. Last week I heard it from two different people who don’t know each other and couldn’t know that it would leave me grinning from ear to ear for the rest of the day. It’s nice to hear when you’re really not sure if you did any of this parenting stuff right.

I’m losing weight, I look good, I feel great (not counting my knee), and I can run. There are some days when running is the only thing that saves my sanity. Like today, for instance.

So I know damn well I have no right to feel blue, and yet here it is. I’m keeping up a good front when I’m around people, but underneath it all, I can’t quite shake this feeling that I need a good cry.

I don’t want to. I gave in and cried not too long ago—in the shower, where no one could see me and when I got out, the redness on my face was easily explained—and it didn’t help because when I got out of the shower, I couldn’t stop crying. A crying jag is not the kind of genie that goes easily back in the bottle.

I know what it’s about, too. I’m lonely. The boys are here, but they don’t need my problems. They have no idea and I’m keeping it that way.

I’m lonely as hell, and no one knows. Well, now you do. Sorry, but I also know that if I’m having this problem, I’m probably not alone in it, and that’s the ONLY reason I’m sharing this. Not to go by the “misery loves company” cliche, but as often as I tell myself this isn’t forever and somewhere out there is the one I was meant to meet but didn’t; these days of loneliness are numbered and dwindling; I just need to hang on ’til they’re over and what follows will be so much love and peace and security that the rest of it will all be worth it.

But what do I do NOW?

I was hoping that getting it out of my system would, really, get it out of my system. How’m I doin’? 😉

Honestly, I’d go pour some wine but I have a weigh-in tomorrow so I can’t. Stupid dammit. 😉

I just want to be happy, and I know I should be happy. I have all the ingredients to a happy life that anyone else would love to lead. So why am I not happy?

No, that’s not true. I am happy. I know it. I’m blessed. I’m just…missing something.

Someone.

Whoever you are, get here soon. Please.

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5 thoughts on “Even Romance Writers Get the Blues

  1. *hugs*

    When you haven’t been alone for a long time, it’s not hard to see how you can be lonely.

    I say give in to the crying jag. There’s nothing wrong with it. It doesn’t make you weak. If you’re afraid it won’t stop, wait ’til the boys are in bed.

    And get yourself out of the house for something other than running and work. Call a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Go to a movie.

    I’m so helpful, right? 🙂

    1. There were times when I had someone around that I wanted to be alone. I guess that was a sign I should’ve seen, huh? And there’s a big difference between the words “solitude” and “loneliness”, though they seem to mean the same thing.

      I can’t give in again. The last one hurt too much, and not being able to stop is a problem. It’s okay if the boys know I’m not Superman-strong. They need to know it’s okay to be weak once in a while. I suspect it’s a problem both my DH’s had too, but they were just working with the tools their parents gave them. That’s a whole ‘nother ball game.

      I do talk to friends I haven’t seen in a while, but there’s another problem: none of them are here. All my best friends are online, and the ones here aren’t available. They have lives and troubles of their own. I have reached out to them but the logistics never seem to work out. My therapist is pretty concerned with this, and really, I didn’t see it as a problem until she brought that up. 😉 Now that I recognize there’s a problem in that, it feels more like the Grand Canyon than a pothole.

      I think I’m okay, in the grand scheme of things. Today is better than yesterday. it does help to get it off my shoulders and talk, be it here or to the mirror. (Holy carp, if my bathroom mirror could talk, the stories it could tell.) I’ve heard it said that depression is anger turned inward. Gotta kick at the darkness ’til it bleeds daylight.

    2. Something occurred to me as I sat in the HS auditorium, waiting for my son’s award ceremony. I’ve forgotten what it felt like to have someone *hold my hand.* Something as simple as that. Can you believe it? I don’t bite, and I’ve been told I’m quite a nice person, so what’s wrong with me?

      Impatience, for one thing. 😉 The wait will be worth it. The wait will be worth it…

  2. Annnnnnnd to add one more comment on my own blog, a friend posted this on Facebook (http://www.purposefairy.com/5801/5-great-lessons-you-can-learn-from-life/) and I got to number 5 and thought, “So why do I keep attracting guy take me for granted and don’t like me…” and then I realized, duh. There’s the answer. Riddle solved.

    On that happy note, I’m going to grab a 10 minute recharge nap, then hit the gym for a 1-mile run. Then come home, keep up with work, make dinner, and watch the season finale of “Touch”. Then tomorrow, I’ll be happy because it’s another day and another chance to meet someone really special. And if it’s not someone else, maybe it’ll be me.

  3. Hugs, Carla!!! And you are dang special!!! 🙂

    Have you thought about joining a running club? It could be a good way to meet new people with a similar interest (let’s face it, odds are slim you might meet someone at a knitting group). I don’t run as much as I used to, but I used to meet up with this group called The Hash House Harriers. They are international organization and I’m sure they have groups in the Philly area. They meet once or twice a week for a group run. One member, known as “the hare” will mark a trail using flour, and the rest of the pack has to follow the trail. After the run, the group hangs out together for a drink – usually at a bar but sometimes at someone’s house. The group I used to meet was a fun bunch. Now that I’ve been typing about it, I think I might look into taking it up again.

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