I’m fighting my fourth cold in three months. I’m not sure if, once this is over, I should be bulletproof or resemble Gollum. (I really never should’ve watched LOTR. Now I compare everything to “the preshussssssss…”)

Been talking to a friend about the starting over process. I’ve been on my own for 13 months and counting; she hasn’t been on a date in 3 years. If she’d said that to me last year, I would’ve recoiled in horror. Now, it doesn’t seem so bad. Sure, there are lonely nights. There are moments when I think it’d be fun to have someone to share all my awesomeness with, who’d want to share his awesomeness with me. (Because let’s face it, after what I’ve been through, only relatively equal awesomeness need apply.) But by the end of the day, I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. Each day is a little victory. I didn’t collapse. I didn’t crumble under pressure. I suppose that’s because the real pressure is yet to make an appearance; we shall see. But I can go to bed and not cry because I’m alone. Once the bed gets nice and warm, I could care less if the New England Patriots D-line were there with me.

Of course, I’d kick ’em all off the bed because I’m a Buffalo Bills fan.  🙂 But overall, it’s not so bad. Things do work out the way they’re supposed to. We’re all part of the Great Circle of Life.

I’m signed up for two races so far, and I’m counting the minutes ’til registration for the Broad Street Run and the Color Run. From there, the opportunities are endless.

Oh, and I’m still finishing what I start, knitting-wise. I have wool mittens waiting for the next cold snap, which should be here in 5…4…3…2… (yeah, something like that). I’m starting another pair, though I’m thinking of making them into fingerless mitts. I loved the mitten pattern but if I adapt it, I can wear it indoors, which would be more often, because my hands are almost always cold. I’m never quite sure if Laziness or Ingenuity is the mother of Invention. Luckily, they both knew how to knit.


Anger Management

I’m angry. I’m tired of the bullspit my life has been for the last 13 months. I’m scared to death to make the changes I have to make, but SOMEONE has to make them. I can’t keep waiting like this. It’s killing me a little every day.

I know life doesn’t come with guarantees, but this is one crazy-ass leap of faith I have to take, and it scares the crap out of me. I could easily go along as things are now, fat and happy (well, not that fat; remind me to post the Before and Middle pictures of my weight loss progress), one day the same as the one before it and identical to the one to come. That’d be great.

If I were happy. I’m not. That’s why I can’t settle.

I credit this change in mindset to the progress I’ve made in therapy. The problem with progress is, you can’t go back to the way things were. Well, you can if you *want* to gain the weight back, but I don’t want that back either.

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In other news, craft-wise it seems I have chronic finish-itis. Over the weekend I finished four projects, one of whom has been in UFO status (UnFinished Object) for at least a year if not longer. I may have started it before we moved into the house. I was rearranging some things when I saw this pretty afghan. I needed one for the bed, for those days when I just want to curl up and get warm and take a nap, and this seemed about right. Problem was, it wasn’t quite long enough, and it had a loose end. (“Long enough”, translated: would fit Alex’s 6’3″ body from head to toe.) Over the weekend I found some yarn to add to it, put on another foot of length, and now it’s finished and sitting on the bed, waiting for me to have one of those days a free afternoon. I also finished two pairs of fingerless mitts and a scrap afghan I started when the furnace died after Hurricane Sandy. Now I’ m working on something I started last year, a Wingspan wrap that’s been idle since the spring.

I’m more interested in finishing old projects than starting anything new. This is weird. This is not me. I wonder if it’s related to what’s going on in the section above this one, but I really like having less unfinished stuff hanging over my head. It’s calming. From the inside.

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I registered for the Runner’s World Half Marathon again. While I realize this means I have to give up Rhinebeck, it’s a price I’m willing to pay. Last year I wasn’t prepared enough for the half, and my time reflected it. This year I want to do better, so I’m making plans to go to the workshops, watch the 5K and 10K, indulge in the pre-race carb-load dinner, talk to people and immerse myself in the sport joy of running. That night I’m going to get a good night’s sleep (something I definitely didn’t do last year, but half because I was too excited from Rhinebeck to sleep, and half because I was scared to death of how I’d do in the race), possibly in a hotel so I don’t have to drive 90 minutes to get there, and I’m going to enjoy the hell out of it this time. I’ve seen the pictures of me at last year’s Half. I was looking down. I didn’t make eye contact. My plan was to get in, do my best, and finish. I loved it, but I’m not sure I enjoyed it as much as I could have. This time I want to high-five the bystanders, smile at the cameras, and boogie along with whatever’s on my iPod. And come in under 2:30 with a gigantic smile on my face.

The race is October 20th. I’ll be ready. I just wonder how different my life will be by then. Hopefully for the better.

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Oh yeah; the pictures. 🙂 

Before Jan 2012
Me, January 2012; already lost a few but had more to go.
Halfway to my goal weight!
Halfway to my goal weight!

Sticking to it

I’m determined to stick to my “resolutions” this year. I use the term loosely; I’d prefer “goals”, though I’m told a goal is a dream with a deadline, and I don’t respond well to pressure. Well, not usually. I dunno. It could go either way, really; I either knuckle down and get things done, or I blow it off because I figure in the grand scheme, it didn’t matter. Somehow I seem to know the difference on a subconscious level. (My Golden Heart entry hit the cyber-waves with 24 hours to spare.)

Anyway, my crit group (waves hi to my Lalala sisters!) asked for our 2013 goals, and since 2012 was mainly a bust from the beginning a recovery year, I didn’t bother. The goal was just to plow through it. This year, however, I’m back on my feet, and I’ve shared my goals with the group. Which is why I’m posting them here. Feel free to keep my feet to the fire.

1. Finish a new manuscript; 80K brand-spanking new words.
2. Polish “All or Nothing” and “Ready or Not” to the point where they’re ready to pitch without hesitation. AoN is almost there; RoN isn’t even close.
3. More agent/editor queries. Send one in January. If an R comes in, send another query out within a week.
4. Read at least one new book each month. You can’t be a writer if you don’t READ. Craft or fiction, my choice.
5. Try to write every day. If I don’t have time to write, at least jot down some plot notes. Don’t let the story go cold. (My biggest problem in 2012.)
6. Blog more. (Chicklets and mine) Learn to hit those deadlines.
7. Focus more on writing, less on dating. Men come and go, but the Muse vanishes if you don’t nurture it regularly.
8. Go to Atlanta for National.
Wow. That’s more than I expected when I sat down to write this.
Under “Personal Goals”, I want to lose 40 more pounds and cut my caffeine consumption in half. I also want to run one more race in 2013 than I did in 2012 (7) as cash allows. At least one race should be a half marathon. Run at two parks I’ve never been to before. Nothing like a change of scenery for inspiration! 
I should also add that my crafting goals include learning to use my drop spindle; clean out my stash; give away the yarn I’ve had for years but never quite found a project for; and work on just one project at a time. My experience with Christmas presents last year really helped me practice that.