Anger Management

I’m angry. I’m tired of the bullspit my life has been for the last 13 months. I’m scared to death to make the changes I have to make, but SOMEONE has to make them. I can’t keep waiting like this. It’s killing me a little every day.

I know life doesn’t come with guarantees, but this is one crazy-ass leap of faith I have to take, and it scares the crap out of me. I could easily go along as things are now, fat and happy (well, not that fat; remind me to post the Before and Middle pictures of my weight loss progress), one day the same as the one before it and identical to the one to come. That’d be great.

If I were happy. I’m not. That’s why I can’t settle.

I credit this change in mindset to the progress I’ve made in therapy. The problem with progress is, you can’t go back to the way things were. Well, you can if you *want* to gain the weight back, but I don’t want that back either.

– – – – – –

In other news, craft-wise it seems I have chronic finish-itis. Over the weekend I finished four projects, one of whom has been in UFO status (UnFinished Object) for at least a year if not longer. I may have started it before we moved into the house. I was rearranging some things when I saw this pretty afghan. I needed one for the bed, for those days when I just want to curl up and get warm and take a nap, and this seemed about right. Problem was, it wasn’t quite long enough, and it had a loose end. (“Long enough”, translated: would fit Alex’s 6’3″ body from head to toe.) Over the weekend I found some yarn to add to it, put on another foot of length, and now it’s finished and sitting on the bed, waiting for me to have one of those days a free afternoon. I also finished two pairs of fingerless mitts and a scrap afghan I started when the furnace died after Hurricane Sandy. Now I’ m working on something I started last year, a Wingspan wrap that’s been idle since the spring.

I’m more interested in finishing old projects than starting anything new. This is weird. This is not me. I wonder if it’s related to what’s going on in the section above this one, but I really like having less unfinished stuff hanging over my head. It’s calming. From the inside.

– – – – – –

I registered for the Runner’s World Half Marathon again. While I realize this means I have to give up Rhinebeck, it’s a price I’m willing to pay. Last year I wasn’t prepared enough for the half, and my time reflected it. This year I want to do better, so I’m making plans to go to the workshops, watch the 5K and 10K, indulge in the pre-race carb-load dinner, talk to people and immerse myself in the sport joy of running. That night I’m going to get a good night’s sleep (something I definitely didn’t do last year, but half because I was too excited from Rhinebeck to sleep, and half because I was scared to death of how I’d do in the race), possibly in a hotel so I don’t have to drive 90 minutes to get there, and I’m going to enjoy the hell out of it this time. I’ve seen the pictures of me at last year’s Half. I was looking down. I didn’t make eye contact. My plan was to get in, do my best, and finish. I loved it, but I’m not sure I enjoyed it as much as I could have. This time I want to high-five the bystanders, smile at the cameras, and boogie along with whatever’s on my iPod. And come in under 2:30 with a gigantic smile on my face.

The race is October 20th. I’ll be ready. I just wonder how different my life will be by then. Hopefully for the better.

– – – – – –

Oh yeah; the pictures. 🙂 

Before Jan 2012
Me, January 2012; already lost a few but had more to go.
Halfway to my goal weight!
Halfway to my goal weight!
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