Day 176: One of Those Days

I wasn’t having one of my best days, which is odd because the weather was gorgeous and I had my plans all mapped out: breakfast and coffee, relax, take Alex to playwriting, go to the gym, wait a while to pick him up, go to the Impact Store, grab some cheese bagels at Panera, then go home and relax. But somewhere along the line, I hit a snag and emotionally I sank. It sucked because I’d had that problem for most of the week, and it felt like I had to fight my way through every minute. I couldn’t even put my finger on the problem, other than the obvious “I haven’t been on a date, no one asks me out, and maybe I’m just not worthy”.

At one point my mom emailed me so I kinda let loose on how miserable it is being a single mother with challenges and no real hope for better on the horizon. I think my exact words were, “It sucks ass, let me tell you.” It did perk up a little when a friend posted a pic of Bradley Cooper, working on his next film and he gained weight for the role, and at the risk of sounding like a complete idiot, the man could be 300 pounds and I’d still think he’s beautiful.

I felt a little better when I posted this on Facebook

cheer up

…until a friend said, “And it’ll happen when you least expect it!” I saw that from the front seat as I waited for Alex to get out of playwriting, and I fought not to reply, “Lady, that ship has not only sailed but it sank, twice. I’m not holding my breath anymore.”

Instantly I had that “Leave me alone” feeling, which is ridiculous when you consider that I really hate being alone, for reasons already discussed above. I haven’t been on a date in over 18 months, unless you count that one disaster that sent me running for the computer so I could delete my online dating profile from that particular site. Not that he was a bad guy in the grand scheme, I suppose, but holy crap, I couldn’t have taken another 5 minutes with him. Of course, it also makes me wonder if I want to be with anyone. At this point I’m scared I’ve forgotten how to kiss, let alone to just be anywhere with someone else.


So I got Alex and his play seems to be coming along for next week’s finale, and we headed for the Impact Store, only to get bogged down in traffic that took 20 minutes to go a mile. I can run faster than that. 🙂 We finally got to the store, but by then I was already in a crappy mood, and then there was no place to park so I had to back all the way out to turn around and go to the rear of the store, and there was nothing there that interested me (which I took to be a good thing; if you don’t want OR need anything, you’re in a good place, right?). Then Alex loaded up one of my shopping bags with videos but he forgot the coupon on the grocery store receipt, so it wound up being $28. Not what I had planned.

We went to the nearest Panera but the parking lot was packed so I walked what felt like a quarter mile just to get there. I was behind a dozen people and I couldn’t see any cheese bagels, so I gave up and walked back out…only to find Alex was checking out all his movies and most of them were on my seat. Traffic was a bear again getting home, and partway there after some muttered epithets about another driver’s lack of driving skills, Alex asked in crystal-clear voice, “Mom, are you you having a bad day?” It didn’t hit me at the time so I just answered that yes, I wasn’t having a very good day, but it was okay because we’d just go to the Panera closer to home.

But then I muddled through the rest of the day and by 8 there was nothing on TV I cared about, so I went outside to knit and enjoy the last of the daylight on a beautiful late spring evening. I also kind of pissed and moaned to myself about how other people are out having fun and here I am, stuck at home, going nowhere. But when the light was gone, I went back in and cleaned up the kitchen and danced a little to some music, and decided to catch up on some TED talks online I’ve been meaning to watch, and I saw a brilliant one on turning the worst experiences in your life into what shapes your identity, and it was wonderful. So wonderful, in fact, that I had to stop it several times to take notes.

Then I saw this music video about autism, and it brought back to me what Alex had asked me. I’m blessed that he can communicate, and not just that he can communicate but he understands emotions. He’s not locked inside himself like some kids. He has a well developed sense of empathy, even if he doesn’t know what to do about it (but isn’t that most men?).

The other day in the middle of my shitty mood, I decided the problem isn’t that I’m not going anywhere; it’s that I’m not doing anything to get myself where I want to be. I posted on Facebook:


That, in essence, was my problem. I wasn’t moving forward, but that was my fault because I wasn’t doing anything to push myself forward. I opened my current work-in-progress and started editing it again, even though I know one of the reasons I’ve been avoiding it is because of the emotions that are going to come to the surface. It’s not easy stuff to write. The funny stuff is easy; I can toss out one-liners or witty banter and it’s no problem, but dig deep for the feelings, and I’ve been balking for months already. I just tell myself, “I need to get back to that,” but I don’t, and I’m tired of it. I’m not doing anything to fix the problem; I’m just daydreaming about what I wish I had.

Well, screw that. I have to DO something.


6 thoughts on “Day 176: One of Those Days

  1. I LOVE and adore your writing style, as well as your perspective and sense of humor. Love this post!!!!!!!!! And all the BEST stories always start with “so I went on this Internet date……” Hehehehe.

    You will find, and meet, and love an amazing person who will love you back the way you deserve to be loved. The alternative would be statistically impossible for someone as witty, smart, and funny as you. Hang in there, superstar. It gets better. 😘

    1. Thank you, Rachelle!! I LOVED your post about being on the no-fly list! I hope it gets easier for you like it did for me with Alex. He used to have full-out body tantrums in Target if he didn’t get what he wanted, and if I had a dime for every dirty look we got, I could put Alex’s brother through college.

      I do want to believe in love. There just hasn’t been a whole lot of evidence lately. Meanwhile life goes on and I keep busy. There’s always something to do, as you well know. 😉 Maybe one of these days, Bradley Cooper will come back to town, we’ll trip over each other, and sparks will fly. (They filmed part of “Silver Linings Playbook” not far from my house. I’m still kicking myself for not stalking checking it out. 😉 ) But I can write about love and romance because writing only takes imagination, not experience. As the saying goes, “The difference between real life and fiction is, fiction has to make sense.” SO great to meet you!

      1. Ugh. The Silver Lining Playbook is one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE movies. Mmmmmm-mmmmmm… He is SO YUMMY!

        Yesterday was a tough day. A really tough day. Things with C got better for a few years, but got a whole lot worse when he started middle school. Yah, awesome right? Ten months later, he is now functioning (adaptive skills/coping skills) on the level of a 19 month old toddler. 😦 I wrote about it here:

        Sending love. Bradley Cooper would be LUCKY to know you. 🙂

  2. Ugh; I completely forgot you were writing about what happened in ’06. If it helps any, my NT son still refers to middle school as “three years in hell”. Great school, great teachers, but the other kids proved the expression, “Hell is other people.” It got better in HS, though, and now he’s in college. I’m not sure who’s having more issues, me or him. The idea of my child living out in the world, apart from me? Blinkblinkblinkblink…

    I hope Bradley Cooper googles himself once in a while, so he sees his name all over this post. 🙂 That would be SO much fun. I just hope he doesn’t show up when I’m getting home after an 8 mile run. Though really, there’s a challenge to that. I read SLP before I saw the movie, and in the book Pat ran 6 minute miles. Watching the movie, I thought, “That’s no six minute mile.” I’d love to time him on a run. 🙂 Since changing my stride, I bet I could catch up to him.

    Gotta go read your latest!! It SO helps to feel like I’m not alone!!

    1. I cannot even begin to think about my kiddo leaving the house! And to be completely honest, I’m not sure of he will be able to, but we are hopeful that he will.

      I LOVE the idea of Bradley Cooper googling himself and reading this post! You should tag him in it, if you haven’t already, that makes it jump out to the search engines, just in case BRADLEY COOPER decides to google BRADLEY COOPER. So does saying BRADLEY COOPER a lot. ::giggles:: if he does see this, I so want an invite to your wedding. And please don’t stick me at the “kids” table! 🙂 I’ll wanna be near the front….. ::giggles::

      1. Between you and me, I pray when the time comes for Alex to be on his own, the world will be an entirely different place for kids (men? Yikes!) like him. He’s a sweet kid. He actually reminds me of Gisele in “Enchanted”; if you give him $5, he’ll spend it on the next person who seems to need it. Unless we’re near his favorite store, and then all bets are off. But when you consider that when he was 4, so few people knew a thing about autism–including his pediatrician!–and I’d bet 90% of people know what it is now, let’s hope there’ll be a place for him to participate in the world. He’d so love to be a part of it, and I really believe the world is a better place with him here, as he is. Alex and kids like him remind me that angels aren’t really in heaven; they’re here for us to meet and know and learn from.

        And just so you know, when I opened my front door this morning I had palpitations, half-expecting to see BC on the other side of it, him all hot-looking and me all bed-head and desperately in need of coffee. 🙂 Even if he did show up, I can’t say there’d be a wedding; he’d have to ask REALLY nicely, but I’ve had two weddings already and I’m pretty sure my walking-down-the-aisle days are over. I’m thoroughly content with living in sin. 🙂 But “we’ll” invite you to my Oscar party when my book becomes a box office smash! (And before you ask, no, there’s no sold book yet, but I’m working on it.)

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