Letting Go

It’s not easy, letting go. Quite a few friends of mine have spent the last week letting go of kids who’re going off to start college. Just the idea puts a knot in my stomach the size of Rhode Island, because I have one more year before Ryan follows suit. It makes me want to take this year and bottle it so it can’t go anywhere. I don’t want to let a minute out of my sight.

Insert Suzy Bogguss song here. 🙂 And pass the tissues, please. I watched the video and lost it completely, but that’s just me.

But right now I’m thinking of a different letting go. Recently I figured out that if I stop worrying about what might happen and what might go wrong, things flow a whole lot easier, and more often than not, I get what I wanted in the first place.

I had a long explanation in mind, complete with parables, but then I saw this and, as usual, a picture is worth a thousand words:

 

Maybe I should’ve been a photographer. 🙂

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Signs 2012

I’m often looking for signs. Not street signs, though I do have to say, Pennsylvania is known for thinking street signs are superfluous. I took the boys to Dorney Park on Monday and got lost because the GPS thought the park entrance was where the employees go in. I then tried to double-back to find the way in, and at one point I stopped at a four-way intersection with not a single street sign. More than once I’ve been well on my way to Harrisburg before I realized, I missed the exit on 78 to get me back to the PA Turnpike. (It’s Exit 53 but it doesn’t say “turnpike” on it.) Gah.

But I digress. Signs. A friend recently lost her mother, and she asked for a sign from her mom that she was okay. She got her sign when she found her mother’s eyeglasses that she thought she’d mistakenly thrown out.

I often look for signs in music, like if the next song I hear (on the radio, on the iPod, in the store) means something to me. You’ve heard of my “ghost in the machine”, Luke, who was a character I wrote; a ghost who could only communicate to his still-living soul mate via her iPod. (He steered the thing into playing “their song”, which made her think of him and their time together.)

That hasn’t happened in a while, and thinking of my friend—and feeling a little blue for other reasons—I asked for a sign that things would turn around. I mean, things are good for me right now overall. I have what I need, in general, but there’s something I want, something missing, something I think I’m ready for, and it’s not here. Take a wild guess. 😉

So I put that wish out there, and I went on with my day, getting work done, running errands with Alex ($15 in used VHS tapes later…), having fun and keeping busy. I went to the gym, made my fat cry, and came home to make dinner when the phone rang. Thinking it was some political group begging for money, I was ready to give them what-for when it turned out to be the Red Cross, asking me to sign up for a donation. I just gave in June and I didn’t think I was up to 56 days yet so I politely declined, but after I hung up the phone, I thought, “Dummy! What if that was the sign? What if, at a donation event NOT at the office, that’s where I’m going to find what I’m looking for?”

After dinner, I went online and signed up for the donation event the caller suggested. It’s not far away, and it’s on Labor Day, and even if I don’t get what I wanted, I’m doing something good. I’ll let you know what happens. 🙂

We had a blast at Dorney, by the way. I love when the boys have a great time.

A Day Early

But for a reason. If you plan to be up at 6 a.m. eastern time tomorrow morning (Aug 16th), tune in to B101 in Philadelphia and you can hear me play Beat the Bee. 🙂 The game was taped this morning to air tomorrow!

I still can’t believe I did it, but I had SUCH a fun time! The only question I missed was on the Kardashians because honestly, I have no interest in keeping up with any of them. 🙂

Thanks again, Producer Blaire, Tiffany and Michael! Michael, I’m sorry I was your milestone person but I promise I’ll take a pic of myself wearing my new t-shirt!

I kinda feel like I cheated with that hint Tiffany gave me about Charlie Sheen’s new TV show, but I won’t be giving back the t-shirt any time soon; sorry! 🙂

I *heart* B101!

Citius, Altius, Fortius

Are you *loving* the Olympics? Now that the kvetching about NBC’s way-too-many-commercials is fading (hello to the aptly named #NBCfail), watching the games is just a joy for me. I’m cheering on Oscar Pistorius and the US women’s gymnastics team and Missy Hamilton, and I even found myself glued to the Murray/Federer tennis match. I usually find tennis about as much fun as watching glue dry. Now I’m thinking I need to look up where I can go for lessons. Okay, granted, I was thinking about it before, but now I plan to do some homework.

I love the Olympic motto: Faster, Higher, Stronger. Especially Stronger. I never thought of myself as a strong person until I made the decision to run a half marathon. Now I’m amazed at what I can do. Last week I had to all but pry myself to the gym. I’d think, “Ugh, three miles. I don’t wanna.” Six months ago I’d be thinking, “Ugh, three miles. I don’t know if I can do that.”

Now not only do I know I can do three miles but three miles at 4.5 mph is barely an extra blip on my heart rate. I got up on Sunday deciding I needed to try for six. I really wanted to do 6.55 to see if I could run half a half marathon, even though I have 11 weeks to train for this. Instead I got to 5.5 and thought, “You’re done for the day. Don’t burn yourself out too early.” I compromised and stopped at the 6 mile mark. There’s always next week. (For the record, according to the RW Half Marathon Training chart for beginners, I was only supposed to do 4 at LSD, or Long Slow Distance. I flipped that one off pretty good.)

It’s been eight months today since my husband and I separated, and I didn’t crumble. I didn’t fall apart. I didn’t die. The world didn’t end. I’m still here. I’m stronger than I thought I was, and I know that now.

Come October 21st, the Runner’s World Half Marathon will never know what hit it. 🙂

Sunrise, Sunset

It hasn’t been my best week, and I’m not sure why. Every day I recognize my blessings. Things could be a whole lot worse, and yet some days, I fight to pick myself up by my bootstraps (do they make those anymore?) and move on.

And then some days I see pictures like this, and I wonder where the last 20 years of my life have flown off to.

It kills me thinking these days are over, never to return. I miss baby hugs. I miss chubby arms and missing sneakers and “My mom’s pretty cool” and “Meadowade, peas.” (Ryan couldn’t say lemonade for the longest time.) And tell me, does the kid on the left with that gorgeous smile look the least bit autistic to you? 🙂

I try to remind myself that there are wonderful days ahead. Wonderful things. Firsts. Songs. Joy. Wonder. Dreams as yet unimagined.

Friends sometimes post “remember the good old days” stuff on Facebook and I can’t stand it. Rotary dial phones and speakers from drive-in movies. Ladies, please; you posted that from your iPad. I remember the Billy Joel lyrics, “The good old days weren’t always good, and tomorrow ain’t as bad as it seems.” I mean really, would anyone want to go back to the days of belted maxi pads? I wasn’t even there and I wouldn’t want to go back to that. 🙂

I guess it’s because I don’t often look back, that pictures like that one take me by surprise. I don’t feel old. Hell, I’m training for a half marathon.

I guess this is what it means to be middle aged. You’re too old to have kids and not ready to have grandkids.

On a personal note, rest in peace, Manfred Liebner. You were my uncle and yet I feel like I hardly knew you. We always think we have one more day to fix things or do better, but sometimes we don’t. I miss your laughter already.