It’d be so easy…

…to just give up, power down the laptop, and quit writing.  And yet, I can’t.

Friends around me are succeeding where I’m standing still.  I’ve heard it said (by a pubbed friend of mine) that jealousy is a waste of time, but it doesn’t work that way for me.  While I’m delighted for my published author friends, and I’ll support them every way I can and I’ll cheer for their success…yes, I’m jealous as all hell.  That’s what happens when someone else has what you long for, and for all intents, it feels like something you can never have.  The Bible calls it coveting.  Gordon Gekko in “Wall Street” says “Greed is good.”  (Never thought I’d put those two together in the same paragraph.)

But I’m learning to turn my jealousy around and make it productive.  If someone else has what I want, I’m going to learn how they got it so I can get it too.  Failing that, I’m going to keep reading, keep learning, and keep trying until something happens.  Already I’ve thrown some new irons in the fire.  One’s popped back out, but that’s okay.  I’ll find more. 

When I really started getting down after the latest round of “no, thanks”, I told myself I need to walk away for a little while, so I did.  As easy as it would be to say, “You’ve beaten this horse long enough.  It’s dead.  Time to start walking,” I can’t do it.  It would be so easy to quit, but I just can’t.  There’s this voice in the back of my head that keeps saying, “I can’t give up.  I can’t give up.  I can’t give up.”  It would be so easy, but I can’t quit.  Not yet.  Not when I haven’t reached the point where I can say, I’ve done everything I could, and I gave it my best shot.  There’s nothing more I can do.  Or, as I told a friend earlier, “Time to hang up the cleats and look into coaching.” 

I’m not done yet.


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